Like so many others I am a people-pleaser. Guilty as charged. When someone asks me to do something, I will usually do it. I am usually so anxious to please that they don’t even need to ask a lot of the time, and I will offer myself up because I know that they would like it. As an employee I always gave way more than expected hoping to receive praise and approval and then you know what happens?- they expect it! So you have to out do yourself even more. In family and relationships the same thing happens. I start to feel weighed down like under a burden of what I have agreed to and it's draining. There even comes time when I resent what they all expect of me but who really put those expectations out there? Are they really expectations of others or are they just habits that I have created for myself? Would it crumble if I said “no.” Would anyone even notice but me?
When I got sick, I found out. I was forced to not perform. I felt horrible. I tried anyway and only got worse but now I felt I let others down even more. That is a horrible feeling for a people pleaser. To this day I still sign up for what I would like to do but can’t always follow through due to health or energy. I've been forced into "no." It doesn’t get easier. But I need to learn to let it go. I still take on more than I can do and find that I am always thinking “after I get this done, or this behind me, I will take time for myself and catch up on things.” It seems to never come.
I read something a while back. It said that unless you learn to say “yes” to yourself, you will never be able to say “no” to others. Let me explain. If you never decide what is important to you and make a decision that you are worthy of making plans for yourself and sticking by them, if you are always open and flexible, you will always say "yes" when someone asks for that time.
This hit home for me one morning as I was speaking with a client. I had mentally decided the night before that I would start taking the mornings to go to a class at my gym, but I didn’t write it down in my appointment book as an actual appointment. So when the client asked “are your free on Thursday morning?” We looked in my book and saw the empty time and I hesitated only a minute before I said “sure.” If I had an appointment with someone else, I would have said “Sorry, that doesn’t work- how about later?” and it really wouldn't have mattered to them but it was only me. Only me!! That says so much right there! I had not really made my personal time a priority so saying "no" did not come easily or without guilt and therefore didn't happen.
If we never set a side time for ourselves, then it just won't happen. "Me" time has to be planned for and commited and then defended. There is no such thing asextratime.
Example: do you have a project you have been putting off? Something not so fun like cleaning the garage or going through boxes in your storage? Do you keep thinking “someday when I get some extra time, I will get to that.” Never happens until there is a deadline or a crisis right? Well in the case of self care, the deadlines that come around are sometimes too late or a lot more stressful then just making time a long the way. Like the saying,
So do yourself a favor, get out your calendars and make some "me" appointments.
If we never set a side time for ourselves, then it just won't happen. "Me" time has to be planned for and commited and then defended. There is no such thing asextratime.
Example: do you have a project you have been putting off? Something not so fun like cleaning the garage or going through boxes in your storage? Do you keep thinking “someday when I get some extra time, I will get to that.” Never happens until there is a deadline or a crisis right? Well in the case of self care, the deadlines that come around are sometimes too late or a lot more stressful then just making time a long the way. Like the saying,
Make time for your health now or you will be forced to make time for illness later.
Like tackling the garage is a lot easier if you schedule one hour a week or even once a month to work on it. Same for yourself. Carving out just a little “me” time and putting it on the calendar will make it a lot easier to say “no” when someone calls to ask for that time. Same for vacations. If you don’t put it on the books and make a plan, you will never find time for a vacation. There will always be some obligation to do.
Like tackling the garage is a lot easier if you schedule one hour a week or even once a month to work on it. Same for yourself. Carving out just a little “me” time and putting it on the calendar will make it a lot easier to say “no” when someone calls to ask for that time. Same for vacations. If you don’t put it on the books and make a plan, you will never find time for a vacation. There will always be some obligation to do.
So do yourself a favor, get out your calendars and make some "me" appointments.
Say “yes” to yourself and the “no” will come much easier.
